In an effort to build my case, I searched the internet for a definition of “emotional eating.” Out of the countless search results of sites claiming to help us with emotional eating, there wasn’t a single search result dedicated to a definition. Even the Wikipedia search result redirected me to the entry on “compulsive overeating.”

Thus, the first argument in my case is already made. We don’t need a definition of “emotional eating” because we all already think we know what it means. We think emotional eating is eating for reasons other than physical hunger. And…we think it’s “bad.”

Why do we believe emotional eating is bad? For the most part, we believe emotional eating is bad because we believe that our bodies are a balance sheet – a sum total of calories consumed and burned. And if we consume calories because we are sad or angry or lonely or bored, we will impact that balance sheet in a negative way. (Heck we try hard enough to maintain that balance sheet simply when eating for physical hunger!)

Well, the first flaw of that argument is the idea that our bodies are a balance sheet. This cultural idea – reinforced by constant marketing and media attention – that we can (and should) control the size and shape of our bodies by manipulating that delicate balance of calories in/exercise out is a faulty premise. Yes, we are responsible for what we eat. And yes, we are responsible for how we choose to move our bodies. But what we choose to eat and how we choose to move our bodies, does not, by definition, result in a specific size or shape. (If that were true, a given diet and/or exercise program would work the same for everyone.)

So let’s ditch that faulty premise. Let’s ditch the idea that our bodies are a sum total of calories consumed and burned. Now, if we are no longer trying to balance a caloric equation, why would “emotional” eating be bad? What’s wrong with eating to feel better?

Did you notice my definition? My definition of “emotional eating” isn’t eating for reasons other than physical hunger. My definition of emotional eating is eating to feel better. And in that context, all eating is emotional eating. Even eating for physical hunger is “emotional” eating because being hungry doesn’t feel very good! In fact, being hungry hurts. Therefore, “emotional eating” is simply “eating.”

So we don’t need to draw the distinction between eating for physical hunger and eating for emotional reasons. The distinction that needs to be drawn is the distinction between eating to feel better and eating to not feel bad.

These two scenarios might sound the same, but they are vastly different. And the distinction is not between better and bad – it’s between feeling and not feeling. Eating to feel better is great! Eating to not feel bad will never work because we can never “not feel.”

And from this perspective, virtually all relationships with food are healed.

Most of the time, when we are struggling with “emotional eating,” what we are really struggling with is this notion that we are a balance sheet. We want to eat something that tastes good, but deny ourselves the pleasure because it isn’t “good for us” because it will “make us fat.” Or if we do eat that tasty tidbit, we feel guilty and fearful of the caloric consequences. Some of us even get into cycles of a rebellious binge followed by a starvation penance – believing that we must “pay a price” to eat. We get angry at our families and our friends for having food be the centerpiece of celebration. Why must society tempt us like that? Why make food part of a celebration? Don’t they know we can only eat for physical hunger, lest we upset the balance of that caloric equation?

So when we look at eating from the perspective of feeling better, all of this becomes a non-issue.

Even when we have traditionally used food (or starvation) to “cope,” much of the dysfunction is healed when we come from the perspective of feeling better. If we’re feeling down and we reach for a cookie to feel better, that’s great! And as soon as the cookie(s) no longer helps us feel better, we stop. Not because of some external force telling us that “we shouldn’t eat that,” but because continuing to eat the cookie(s) no longer feels good.

Again, it’s not about this idea of using food as a “coping” device. It’s about really understanding what “coping” is! Attempts to feel better are very healthy and very sane! Attempts to not feel bad – as heroic or dysfunctional they might be – will never work because we can never “not feel.”

So yes, this takes practice. It takes practice to get and stay off our cultural caloric balance sheet. And it takes practice being fully conscious and fully present and fully connected to our bodies in each and every moment. And when we practice eating to feel better, we free ourselves from the bondage and myth of “emotional eating.”

I have another friend who is having a rough time. She is dealing with an unexpected financial obligation. Her savings have been wiped out, and she’s feeling like she will always be living hand to mouth.

I have yet another friend who is having a rough time. She has been diligently following a diet and exercise program, yet she has been gaining weight. She’s feeling like she’s in a prison and that she’ll never escape.

My friends are in completely different situations, but they are all experiencing the same feeling – powerlessness.

Power. It’s an interesting concept. There is social power, political power, and corporate power. Wikipedia even has a separate entry for the “rate at which energy is transferred” – power in the world of physics. Yet in a cursory review of several online dictionaries and reference sites, I did not find a single reference to personal power. Personal power seems to live only in the world of motivational and self-help books, seminars and coaches. I find that fascinating.

What I find even more fascinating is that the descriptions of personal power I’ve found, in my opinion, miss the mark entirely! The techniques and tricks offered to “claim our true power” only serve to complicate the issue.

Without including physics, it seems to me that the essence of this mysterious concept known as power boils down to two elements: control and freedom. We either want control over our circumstances or freedom from them.

And why do we want control over our circumstances? Most often, the answers I get to this question are “to be safe,” “to be free” (irony notwithstanding) and “to be happy.”

And why do we want freedom from our circumstances? The answers I always get to this question are some version of “to be able to do what I want, when I want – to be happy.”

So all we really want, then, is to be happy.

But we somehow have the notion that our happiness depends on our circumstances. Is it any wonder, then, that we want control over – or freedom from – our circumstances! From that perspective, of course we end up riding the roller coaster of dis/empowerment!

Yet when we can learn to embrace life in such a way that we are happy – regardless of our circumstances – then we are ultimately getting what we truly want. And in that, we are the embodiment of true power.

To help illustrate this concept with a less emotionally charged topic, I offer you my husband. Josh is an incredibly talented and accomplished musician. For many years he worked as a “Dueling Piano Player.” These types of shows feature two players on stage, fielding and playing requests from the audience. The audience holds the power to determine “the show” because the audience submits the requests.

So, to bring this analogy back into the realm of the weight-loss and beauty industries, we (the audience) demonstrate a demand for a result (i.e. younger looking skin) and cosmetics companies respond with a product to meet our demand. This scenario is the “all request show” – we’re asking for it and we’re getting it.

Now not all shows are dueling piano shows. Josh is currently working as a “lounge” piano entertainer. No longer in the world of the “all request show,” he chooses which songs to play based on the audience’s reaction. If Josh plays a song and the audience just sits there and stares at him blankly, he changes his tune – yes, pun intended. When he plays a song and the audience demonstrates a favorable reaction – by smiling, clapping, bobbing their heads, etc. – Josh will play more of those types of songs.

Josh is as capable of throwing down Snoop Dog, Flo Rida, and Psy’s Gangnam Style as he is of playing Gershwin, Duke Ellington and Hoagy Carmichael. And even in this format of piano entertainment, the audience still controls the show. They respond – or not – to what Josh plays. His job is to keep people in the bar by keeping them entertained. So if they do not demonstrate – through their behavior – that they enjoy the songs, Josh plays different songs until he finds ones they like.

So back to the weight-loss and beauty industry, the advertisers are the lounge piano players, if you will. Only instead of trying to keep us happily in the bar, their job is to get us to purchase products and services. Of course, they can’t see our reactions to their performances face-to-face. But they do see our reactions in metrics – in sales figures.

Advertisers are just as capable of using “real looking” women as Photoshopped models. They are just as capable of running campaigns that help us feel good about ourselves as running campaigns that minimize our self-esteem. The campaigns they choose – and will continue to use – are the ones that result in sales.

And just like the audiences for Josh’s shows, we are the ones holding the real power. We hold the power of perspective. We hold the power of perception. We hold the power of choice. And most importantly, we hold the power of the purse!

Advertisers may indeed run campaigns aimed a lowering our sense of self-worth. But we have the ultimate power over our own sense of self. And the best way to show advertisers that we don’t appreciate their campaigns is to refrain from purchasing the products or services in question. Our preferences will ultimately be noted in their sales figures. And just like the piano player confronted with an unhappy audience, they will be left with no choice but to change their tune.

Whenever someone asks me to share my thoughts on self-acceptance, body-acceptance or self-esteem, a song from Fiddler on the Roof pops into my head. Do you love me?

Fiddler on the Roof is a musical set in 1905 Tsarist Russia. The family patriarch, Tevye, works to balance his family’s Jewish traditions with outside influences – especially where his daughters are concerned. And one of these traditions is the arranged marriage.

Devastated with the news of her impending nuptials, Tevye’s eldest daughter, Tzeitel, begs him to release her from the arrangement and let her marry for love.

Of course, this situation requires a great deal of diplomatic skill to maneuver. And in one beautiful scene, Tevye asks his wife, Golde, if she loves him.

In their duet, we learn that they first met on their wedding day, both nervous and scared, and told by the elders that they would learn to love one another. As Golde cites the years of work and struggle, and the bearing and raising of their daughters as evidence of her “love” for Tevye, she realizes that she has, in fact, grown to truly love him.

In this grand musical known as Life, (after all, Shakespeare said that all the world’s a stage and we are merely players), we are both Tevye and Golde wrapped into a single character. We are in an arranged marriage with ourselves. And most of our self-esteem and self-image issues come from resisting this basic, fundamental truth.

We are in an arranged marriage with ourselves. And we struggle and fight against ourselves, hoping that we can change the circumstances of the situation. We are resentful that we are stuck with the body that we have – that we weren’t given the option of having that beautiful body we see someone else inhabit. We are resentful that we are stuck with our awkward personalities – that we don’t have the confidence or wit of that person over there. We keep fighting against what is because we believe that we could have married for love – and that given the choice, we wouldn’t have picked ourselves.

Although it may seem like an antiquated practice, the arranged marriage is a beautiful metaphor for our self-image. The arranged marriage is a contract over which we have no control. But we have complete control over our experience of that contract. We can whine and cry, find fault with ourselves and hate ourselves – which is futile and creates a miserable experience. Or we can try to make the best of the situation. We can step up and work with ourselves to maneuver through Life’s challenges. We can show respect to ourselves, and we can celebrate the victories and successes we helped create. We may even find a bit of joy now and then.

This working partnership is a relationship ultimately created by a lifetime of experiences. We can choose to be there for ourselves no matter what. And when we start to trust that we’ve got our own back, we realize that we’ve built the foundation of a deep and lasting love.

The “diet and exercise” consciousness is this cultural underlying assumption that the size and shape of our body is directly related to what we eat and what we do for exercise. Therefore, we believe – according to this model – that we can control the size and shape of our body simply by controlling our calories in/exercise out.

This underlying consciousness creates dysfunctional relationships with food, exercise, ourselves and our bodies because our thoughts and decisions are based on a core assumptions that we have to “pay a price” to eat. So we believe that losing weight and getting in shape is painful – that it is “hard work.” And we need the support of a “program” to win the “battle of the bulge.”

So everything becomes black or white. We’re either following a program – we’re fighting  the good fight – or we’re “off the wagon” so to speak. We’re “good” or we’re “bad.” We’re winning the battle or we’re losing the battle.

And when New Year’s comes around, we look back and feel discouraged. We feel like we’ve failed somehow. And the more New Years that have come and gone, the more pain we feel. So we shore up our resolve and declare that this will be the year that we actually “do it.” We are going to stick with that exercise program. We will stay on that diet. We will win the battle of the bulge.

But the truth is that we can never with the battle of the bulge. By definition, the battle puts us in a state of constant state of conflict and war with our bodies. The way to lasting peace, freedom – and amazingly, sustainable results – is to recognize that the battle is an illusion.

When we shift from thinking that we can – and should – control our bodies and our weight by manipulating our calories in/exercise out to understanding that our bodies are our partners in relationship, everything changes. Every moment changes – including the moment of the New Year and the idea of New Year’s resolutions.

When we recognize that we are in relationship with our bodies, we employ the same skills and tools we use that serve us in our other great relationships. We don’t begin the New Year thinking, “Ok, 2013 is going to be the year I really whip my husband into shape” or “2013 is going to be the year I really love my children.” We don’t abandon our relationships the moment there is a bit of upset. If we get into an argument with a loved one, we don’t hold onto our resentments and then wait to “start again on Monday.” We deal with the issue in the moment to restore peace and harmony.

Many years ago, I read somewhere that the word resolution breaks down into re-solution. The premise of the article was that resolutions are a crazy idea because we are simply creating the same problem to solve over and over again. And then just the other day, I saw something even better. I saw a headline that said, “Don’t Resolve, Evolve!”

So a great intention for 2013 would be to evolve in how we relate to our bodies. We can learn to respect and trust them to follow their guidance. They love us and they want us to be happy. They are innately intelligent and incredibly miraculous. I always tell my clients who have children, “your body created Life! You don’t think it knows how to lose that last stupid 20 pounds you want to lose?”

Our bodies know how to lose the weight we want to lose. And they know how to do it in a way that would be happy, life-affirming and sustainable for us. We just need to stop all the fear and craziness – thinking that we must control them – and instead create partnership with them. Let us be in partnership with our bodies – in each and every moment – and then the next New Year is simply the next New Moment.

If you were a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons in the seventies and eighties (and apparently also from 1993 – 1999), you would know: 1) the melody of this song and 2) that the phrase to sing back is, “hooking up words and phrases and clauses.”

Schoolhouse Rock taught us all about adverbs (Lolly, anyone?), American history (The Shot Heard ‘Round the World) and even how a little bill becomes a law. These animated, musical snippets of education improved the test scores of a generation (anyone else need to memorize the preamble to the Constitution?), and many of us can still sing the songs decades later.

With honorable mention going to that little bill, it seems that Conjunction Junction is our favorite pop culture reference to this wonderful series.

And I find that interesting. I find that interesting because conjunctions – and, but, or – are frequently used in disempowering ways.

Think of how many times you use the word “but” in a day. While “but” may be a grammatically correct word choice, is it true? We often use “but” for clausal elements that are not mutually exclusive, thereby limiting our perceptions of what is possible.

Take these following sentences as an example:

I’m hungry, but I don’t want to cook dinner.
I have to get this work done, but I’m tired.
Yes, but….

Using the word “but” in these examples stifles energy and limits possibility.

If you are hungry, but you don’t want to cook dinner – then what? Are you stuck? Do you just stay hungry?  If you have to get the work done, but you are tired – then what? Does the work not get done? And my favorite…yes, but. That implies, “I hear you, and you’re wrong.” What does that do for the relationship?

All of these examples change significantly when we replace “but” with “and.”

I’m hungry, and I don’t want to cook dinner.
I have to get this work done, and I’m tired.
Yes, and…

The word “and” opens the doors for possibility. It allows our hearts and minds to expand and find a solution that accommodates both clausal elements.

I’m hungry, and I don’t want to cook dinner. Cool! I can go out to eat. I can order something to be delivered. I can get take-out. I can ask my husband to cook. I can eat cereal for dinner. All of these possibilities open up when we simply use the word “and.”

This distinction is also significant with respect to our weight-loss efforts. I teach an approach that is 180° different than the current, cultural “diet and exercise” approach. And do you know who struggles the most with these new ideas? People who use the word “but” a lot. Every potential solution I offer to their quandary, is met with the word “but” and why it won’t work. However, my clients who meet my offers with the word “and,” followed by a question of how that suggestion might be implemented, seem to enjoy great success.

So the next time you find yourself using the word “but,” stop. Ask yourself if you can use the word “and” instead. Watch how the word “and” creates freedom and inspired new solutions. You might be surprised. Ceasing to use the word “but” unnecessarily could actually shrink your butt!

Change is a recurring theme in my work. How do we change? How do we heal? Doesn’t change take time? Aren’t habitual patterns hard to break? How does change occur? We can’t just decide to change…or can we? Is change a choice? Is it really within our control?

I’ve discovered that change – like everything else – is multi-dimensional. Change can be slow or quick, violent or gentle. And a change in behavior without a corresponding change in consciousness rarely lasts. This flip side is also true – a change in consciousness without a corresponding change in behavior rarely lasts.

I think that is the gift of these unexpected tragedies. Everyone suddenly starts appreciating Life – at least for a moment – in a deeper way. We become present to Life – to the richness, the fullness, and to the fragility of the experience. And these moments also challenge us to commit to this newfound consciousness – to demonstrate this commitment through our actions.

We really do have the power to choose how we experience Life. We may not be in control of our circumstances, but we do have the power to interpret our circumstances in a way that brings us the most freedom, peace and joy. We not only have this power – we have this responsibility. Life is too precious of a gift to be fretted away.

Thank you, Karen, for the reminder. I wish you freedom, peace and joy wherever you are.

This exchange still pulled at my gut – a full day later – so I was compelled to look up the definition of the word lie. And with most definitions, it comes down to a matter of intent.

Wikipedia offers 28 classifications of lies, and their definition of your standard basic lie is: to deliver a false statement to another person which the speaking person knows is not the whole truth, intentionally. Dictionary.com includes 4 definitions of the word lie, used as a noun. The first two definitions include the intent to deceive, while the third merely states an inaccurate or false statement.

With Wikipedia and Dictionary.com at my side, I can now confidently speak the words, “the lie of the diet and exercise model.”

To help clarify this perspective, I offer “The Banana in a Tunnel.” The human mind is brilliant at pattern recognition. It’s how we see. It’s how we interpret the world around us. And my very wise sister-in-law offered this fabulous example of how we can easily use pattern recognition to incorrectly deduce cause from effect.

Imagine you’re riding a bus and decide to eat a snack. Suppose you bite into a banana just as the bus goes through a tunnel. Based on pattern recognition, it would be easy to assume that, “I eat a banana and it gets dark.”

Of course, we look at this example and think that it’s ridiculous. Obviously, it didn’t get dark because we ate a banana. It got dark because the bus went through a tunnel. But in reality – because our brains are constantly searching for patterns – we make these kinds of cause and effect leaps in logic all the time! And one of the most painful leaps in logic that we – individually, and collectively as a culture – have made is that diet and exercise, by definition, is responsible for – and can control – the size and shape of our body.

So then is “diet and exercise” – weight-loss by calories in/exercise out –  a lie? This is where my friend’s question still haunts me. Based on Dictionary.com’s third definition – an inaccurate or false statement – yes. The diet and exercise model is inaccurate and false. But without some malicious intent to deceive, it seems more like a “banana in a tunnel.”

But what about the weight-loss industry as a whole? With all the information, products and programs to “help us” lose weight with diet and exercise, our problems have only gotten worse. And what about the marketing machine that perpetuates this diet and exercise consciousness? The weight-loss industry entices us to spend billions of dollars a year on a model that has a 3% success rate! Would we continue to do that if this cause and effect leap in logic weren’t constantly reinforced by the industry? I don’t think so. And I don’t think they do either. So there just might be a little deceitful intent present. And if that’s the case, then yes my friend, “diet and exercise” is not simply a banana in a tunnel. It is indeed a lie.

I’m fairly confident we could all agree that economic stability and growth are good things. I’m pretty sure that we all think education is a good thing. And we probably also all think that safe neighborhoods in a sustainable environment are a good thing. Where we might disagree, however, is how to best achieve these objectives. And it is fascinating to watch how political adversaries offer up partial bits of information – in highly focused sound bites – that are designed to get our attention, push our emotional buttons, and come to conclusions about issues that might not be based on a sound argument.

I bring this up because these assaults on our thought processes are easily discerned in political campaigns. But they are not necessarily so evident in other areas of our life – particularly in the areas of health, and specifically weight-loss. We – as a culture – are so entrenched in the “calories in/calories out” approach to weight loss, we often don’t even realize that this fundamental mindset is frequently responsible for driving our decisions, choices and actions.

For example, I recently saw an ad for an ice cream company. As images of creamy, slow churned goodness filled the television screen, a woman’s voice – in a rich, low alto tone – murmured, “You don’t have to give up. You can give in.”

But what is this ad really saying? We might think that this company is just trying to get us to purchase their particular brand of ice cream. But in that process, this company is also influencing how we think. The advertisers are playing off the premise that we think ice cream is bad for us – and they are trying to make us believe that it is ok to indulge in their particular brand of ice cream. (And in this process they are also deepening and perpetuating our beliefs that ice cream is “bad.”) But what if we don’t think ice cream is “bad” in the first place? If we change the premise at the foundation, the entire argument of their advertising campaign falls apart!

It is often said that “our thoughts create our reality.” But no one ever seems to talk about our thought processes – how we create arguments and arrive at conclusions based on any given thought. And in my humble opinion, our thought processes are every bit as important as any individual thought we might hold. If that’s the case, we are responsible for understanding how our thought processes are being influenced – by a political candidate, or by an advertising executive for an ice cream company – and we are responsible for staying conscious in our decision making processes. Ultimately, we are responsible for making sure our thought processes create the best realities we can imagine.

“I’m glad I cast an athlete,” my producer said to me half way through our commercial shoot. “I sure wouldn’t have the stamina to box all day.”

Athlete?? I was flattered. I don’t consider myself an athlete. Yes, I bounce around my living room or play on my Pilates equipment on a regular basis, but I don’t I don’t excel at any sport. I don’t run or train for marathons or triathlons. I only move my body in ways that feel fun and feel good. I do this so that I feel strong and flexible and can engage in my daily life activities with zest and ease.

That’s not what “athletes” do, is it? Well, I guess that depends on your definition of athlete. Since we were shooting the commercial in a real gym and had limited space, the wardrobe and makeup departments took over the staff meeting rooms for the day. And I was privy to some old meeting notes still scribbled on a white board.

According to the staff at Club Zum, the hallmarks of a “Life Athlete” are:

Number 4: Confidence and Capacity

Number 3: Improvement in Movement

Number 2: Sustainability

And…. Ta-da!!!

Number 1: Happiness in your body!!

I was thrilled to see the leadership team of a gym embody these perspectives and attitudes. And it shows that, at an individual level, there really are great trainers who can support us in developing strong relationships with our bodies through sustainable, enjoyable activities.

However, this is in stark contrast to what I hear most people experiencing.

In response to a friend’s witty Facebook comment about the relativity of time while exercising (Time on a bicycle goes by in “dog years.” Time on an exercise bike goes by in human years), someone posted “It’s why I call my bike trainer a bike “drainer”…the treadmill is named the “dreadmill.”

Now, being a Facebook post, this could simply be a tongue-in-cheek, light-hearted response with the sole purpose of continuing the humor and social bonding. But they say there is a bit of truth in every lie, so I often wonder if there isn’t a little bit of truth in these seemingly innocent remarks.

And if the bike really is a “drainer” and the treadmill really a “dreadmill,” why on earth would this person work out with them?  Is the practice really sustainable? And even if this person could muster up the willpower to force herself through the unpleasant workout, my question is still why? Why would anyone force him or herself to engage in unpleasant workouts? And the only answer I ever get to this question is some variation that ultimately ends with “it burns a lot of calories.”

And therein lies the distinction between those “athletes” exercising for confidence, capacity, improvement, sustainability and happiness – who do seem to get the results they seek – and those battling their weight, exercising to burn calories – who never seem to get or to be able to keep the results they seek.

Engaging in unpleasant exercise activities simply to burn calories is a sure sign that our thinking is askew and that we are out of alignment. To help us shift our perspectives and relationships to exercise, let us embrace the hallmarks of the Life Athlete. We forget the calories, and instead focus on sustainability and happiness in our bodies.